When there are only humans, Sina, we are just as capable of doing what humans do to others here to ourselves. [It's an old hurt and Araceli sounds as young as she is when she says it because her beliefs are more like the Dalish here, but parts of her life are closer to those of the city elves; people looking at her because she doesn't belong, why are you here in this place, know your place girl and stay in it. Once it gets under your skin, it doesn't go away.
People believe a lot of things about elven women too that stings in a way that aches. Everyone thinks a Castilean women is promiscuous if she chooses to live her life how she chooses.]
People who are angry, or resentful, or frightened don't think. Or if they do, they don't think well. They have a lot of that to go about here after everything that has happened and no matter what the intention was behind it that we might have enough to share, this is a new thing that they don't understand. A thing some will say has been thrust upon them like the Inquisition after what happened here that must be a fresh wound to them. I am not asking you to take on the burden of representing all elves or even all Dalish but how many of them will see Sina Dahlasanor that I have called friend who loves nature and offers a gift? [Is this a last ditch attempt? Is she going to come off as just a shem talking dows? She tries, softens her voice, sounding incredibly tired and not like the person in the water a few days ago, smiling and at peace.] When they look at me, I know they see rifter first when I am not that, the same as there were always people at home who saw nothing more than a pirate's get, a whore's get.
I am saying this because I love you and I-- and I want all this to work so people can see past their petty terrible prejudices.
[But sprouting a magical forest overnight in a city isn't the way to go about it.]
[The answer seems obvious, and Sina has no problem reaching that conclusion.]
My clan was massacred because the shem'len nearby thought we would hurt them. My clansister Sedi came to us from one that had been destroyed almost entirely, by a willfully poisoned river. They are so willing to chase us out, kill us, build over lands we claim and then blame us for reacting with anger and caution--
[She's getting carried away, and she stops herself with a sigh.]
I will sit on the steps and explain it myself, Araceli. I'm not afraid to be killed. But I won't relent to humans who are upset by remembering we exist, and if there's one thing I can do while I'm still bound to this place, it's help them understand that the site is just as holy as it ever was.
Understanding cannot be forced. You can sit the same people down to teach them the same lessons but what they take from it is always going to be different because no two people have lived the same life. How many mages agree on things? [Araceli could say 'how many of clan Ashara actually call themselves clan Ashara' right now but that would be a low blow. Sina does know that Araceli cast her lot there in wanting better and more for mages, that she wants them as free as she is so she can safely toss that one out to see where it lands before she decides to let it be personal. For her.]
I can't know the hurts you and your people have suffered. But I can know what mine have. When people say make a choice: go hungry or go without a roof over your head where there aren't streets. When they shouldn't have an education. When they shouldn't be allowed to go to certain places because they're too low to belong in them. [Sometimes? Sometimes there really are things about elves in the alienage that kick her in the teeth. It's too like the building she lived in, the part of her home she lived in.] Maybe it was still holy to some people. But sometimes a thing is done to you and it's wrong. You're hurt and it's hard to see anything but the fact that it wasn't what it was before, that you aren't what you were before, that things can't go back to how they were. And you realise-- [her heart is racing and she feels a little sick, a little dizzy, swallows it down and rubs over the thumb she broke in a failed attempt but it was a lesson] that in itself, that can be okay. Maybe you can still live with that. You can come to terms with that.
[Kirkwall isn't what she's talking about, not entirely. It's what happened to her in Craintellier that she doesn't talk about because why would she hurt her loved ones with that? It's the fear of not being who she was before she came through the rift that Martel helped her make her peace with.]
It took me a long time to be at peace with my hand with someone who took me by it and helped but he knew me and I him. After I was hurt-- there are things I can't let people do to me. No matter the intention. Because I can't. Because I remember what happened to me and I could do nothing. I can't stop you from whatever you want to do, that isn't my place but just...be careful.
[Araceli personally can't stop her, that doesn't mean she won't go figure out who she can speak to if she's worried.]
I know it can't. [Sina is starting to sound desperate.] Do you think I don't know that? It went too far, and I know this, but I refuse to let it be seen as aggression if there's anything I can do to stop that.
[She sighs.]
All I can do is try. If it will prevent further violence against my People, it's worth doing, even if it doesn't work. I'm-- [something gives her pause, chokes her up,] -- if I'm... to be Keeper, then that's my duty.
And for those others who might suffer some consequence simply because a person sees an elf and decides that any elf will do? [There's knowing there, more than Araceli would usually like to share but Sina's her friend and enough has happened that she doesn't want anyone to be hurt by this. (Thedas has plenty of history of that, recent history.)] You have clan, my people think like a crew pulling together.
While we're here, I think that we give up parts of what we were before. If only for a time. We have to be Inquisition first or how are we any better than what came before in Thedas? All our judgements, our prejudices, all the things that can lead to poor choices when we can least afford them. Too many people rely on us for that, whether or not they see that yet. Whether or not they want to see that.
Any elf is my People, [Sina answers vehemently. As if she only cares about the Dalish? As if her concern only extends to those she personally knows?]
With all due respect, lethallan, neither of us is here by choice. You have chosen to be Inquisition, I have chosen to help it in exchange for it helping me. But it--
[She takes a hitching, shaky breath again. She won't get into this, not over sending crystal, not when she knows Araceli's anxieties.]
...hasn't. I'm doing my best. I will try to make it right. I understand where you're coming from. But I cannot give my heart to this organization as you have, I cannot live for it, devote my everything to its success. [Soon she'll live for nothing.]
[Just what? What is she going to say? Too long as Sina's friend to admit the truth of who she is to her and as much as she cares for Sina, Araceli isn't foolish enough to trust those who don't need to know with the knowledge. So here they are.]
Don't put yourself in a position to be hurt.
[It's out of her hands anyway, she won't be the only person to know but she's done, she's tired, she's just surgically excising her second friendship in about a week by the looks of things.]
[Araceli might be surprised by the results of honesty-- Sina has tried to address her concerns, and would no doubt be displeased to find that it hasn't been good enough, that Araceli has severed their friendship anyway. Whatever the case, by the tone of her voice, the feeling isn't reciprocated; she's disagreed with friends before, and will likely to do it again.]
I'll try. [The words are sincere.] I don't want anyone to be hurt. I'll do what I can to prevent it.
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no subject
People believe a lot of things about elven women too that stings in a way that aches. Everyone thinks a Castilean women is promiscuous if she chooses to live her life how she chooses.]
People who are angry, or resentful, or frightened don't think. Or if they do, they don't think well. They have a lot of that to go about here after everything that has happened and no matter what the intention was behind it that we might have enough to share, this is a new thing that they don't understand. A thing some will say has been thrust upon them like the Inquisition after what happened here that must be a fresh wound to them. I am not asking you to take on the burden of representing all elves or even all Dalish but how many of them will see Sina Dahlasanor that I have called friend who loves nature and offers a gift? [Is this a last ditch attempt? Is she going to come off as just a shem talking dows? She tries, softens her voice, sounding incredibly tired and not like the person in the water a few days ago, smiling and at peace.] When they look at me, I know they see rifter first when I am not that, the same as there were always people at home who saw nothing more than a pirate's get, a whore's get.
I am saying this because I love you and I-- and I want all this to work so people can see past their petty terrible prejudices.
[But sprouting a magical forest overnight in a city isn't the way to go about it.]
no subject
[The answer seems obvious, and Sina has no problem reaching that conclusion.]
My clan was massacred because the shem'len nearby thought we would hurt them. My clansister Sedi came to us from one that had been destroyed almost entirely, by a willfully poisoned river. They are so willing to chase us out, kill us, build over lands we claim and then blame us for reacting with anger and caution--
[She's getting carried away, and she stops herself with a sigh.]
I will sit on the steps and explain it myself, Araceli. I'm not afraid to be killed. But I won't relent to humans who are upset by remembering we exist, and if there's one thing I can do while I'm still bound to this place, it's help them understand that the site is just as holy as it ever was.
i just had a lot of emotions i'm sorry
I can't know the hurts you and your people have suffered. But I can know what mine have. When people say make a choice: go hungry or go without a roof over your head where there aren't streets. When they shouldn't have an education. When they shouldn't be allowed to go to certain places because they're too low to belong in them. [Sometimes? Sometimes there really are things about elves in the alienage that kick her in the teeth. It's too like the building she lived in, the part of her home she lived in.] Maybe it was still holy to some people. But sometimes a thing is done to you and it's wrong. You're hurt and it's hard to see anything but the fact that it wasn't what it was before, that you aren't what you were before, that things can't go back to how they were. And you realise-- [her heart is racing and she feels a little sick, a little dizzy, swallows it down and rubs over the thumb she broke in a failed attempt but it was a lesson] that in itself, that can be okay. Maybe you can still live with that. You can come to terms with that.
[Kirkwall isn't what she's talking about, not entirely. It's what happened to her in Craintellier that she doesn't talk about because why would she hurt her loved ones with that? It's the fear of not being who she was before she came through the rift that Martel helped her make her peace with.]
It took me a long time to be at peace with my hand with someone who took me by it and helped but he knew me and I him. After I was hurt-- there are things I can't let people do to me. No matter the intention. Because I can't. Because I remember what happened to me and I could do nothing. I can't stop you from whatever you want to do, that isn't my place but just...be careful.
[Araceli personally can't stop her, that doesn't mean she won't go figure out who she can speak to if she's worried.]
Re: i just had a lot of emotions i'm sorry
[She sighs.]
All I can do is try. If it will prevent further violence against my People, it's worth doing, even if it doesn't work. I'm-- [something gives her pause, chokes her up,] -- if I'm... to be Keeper, then that's my duty.
no subject
While we're here, I think that we give up parts of what we were before. If only for a time. We have to be Inquisition first or how are we any better than what came before in Thedas? All our judgements, our prejudices, all the things that can lead to poor choices when we can least afford them. Too many people rely on us for that, whether or not they see that yet. Whether or not they want to see that.
no subject
With all due respect, lethallan, neither of us is here by choice. You have chosen to be Inquisition, I have chosen to help it in exchange for it helping me. But it--
[She takes a hitching, shaky breath again. She won't get into this, not over sending crystal, not when she knows Araceli's anxieties.]
...hasn't. I'm doing my best. I will try to make it right. I understand where you're coming from. But I cannot give my heart to this organization as you have, I cannot live for it, devote my everything to its success. [Soon she'll live for nothing.]
I'm sorry.
no subject
[Just what? What is she going to say? Too long as Sina's friend to admit the truth of who she is to her and as much as she cares for Sina, Araceli isn't foolish enough to trust those who don't need to know with the knowledge. So here they are.]
Don't put yourself in a position to be hurt.
[It's out of her hands anyway, she won't be the only person to know but she's done, she's tired, she's just surgically excising her second friendship in about a week by the looks of things.]
no subject
I'll try. [The words are sincere.] I don't want anyone to be hurt. I'll do what I can to prevent it.